Dec 30 23
This is more a post about new years eve than a post about yesterday, which was a day basically where nothing happened except I flew back to NY. Good to be back, but I felt awful after the flight, as I do after flying without drinking a lot of water before during and after. Oh well.
Today I wanted to get back to a routine immediately, so I woke up at 8 and worked out and then went to a meeting. I’m working tonights- I chose to work to take pressure off of NYE, which I’ve never enjoyed as a holiday. When I was drinking, I would always black out way too early and humiliate myself. When I was a drug guy I would just have a really weird night usually, especially when I stopped being a socially acceptable drug guy. I remember a few new years eve’s alone relapsing on opiates, which were probably my best ones overall. Just nodding out hardcore to the ball dropping. They say how you spend the new years sets the tone for your year. Last year I had covid, and stayed in and did the I Ching and prayed a lot and set my resolutions. I can’t find which notebook I set them in, but I’ll try tomorrow. I wanted to see because at it turns out- most of them came true. I started making more money, I played the number of shows I aimed for. Notably, two of my resolutions- get in a group art show, and be published somewhere, (sort of) came true through seemingly random occurrences only in the last month. It gave the sensation that my new years resolutions had magic power, so I’m going to take them seriously this year again. First, I’ll consult the I Ching again, this time using the I Ching applet I made (jarthur.online/iching). I asked it “What will the year 2024 look like for me?” and the result was
Ta Ch'u
大 畜
The Taming Power of the Great
䷙
THE TAMING POWER OF THE GREAT. Perseverance furthers. Not eating at home brings good fortune. It furthers one to cross the great water.
Image: Heaven within the mountain: The image of THE TAMING POWER OF THE GREAT. Thus the superior man acquaints himself with many sayings of antiquity And many deeds of the past, In order to strengthen his character thereby.
changing to
Mêng
蒙
Youthful Folly
䷃
YOUTHFUL FOLLY has success. It is not I who seek the young fool; The young fool seeks me. At the first oracle I inform him. If he asks two or three times, it is importunity. If he importunes, I give him no information. Perseverance furthers.
Image: A spring wells up at the foot of the mountain: The image Of YOUTH. Thus the superior man fosters his character By thoroughness in all that he does
my applet interpreted this in light of my question thusly:
The I Ching suggests that your year of 2024 will be a time of growth and learning. You will be presented with opportunities to develop yourself and your skills, and it is important that you take advantage of them. The hexagrams indicate that you should not be afraid to reach out and explore new experiences. By doing so, you will be able to strengthen your character and find success in the upcoming year. It is important to remember to take your time and prepare yourself for any new challenges that may come your way. With dedication and perseverance, you will find yourself in a much better position in 2024.
This is very similar to last year’s, which was about how I need to milk the cow, and also that the cow will yield milk. The second hexagram is different, both more concerning and more auspicious. Maybe I am seeking to return to youthful folly, which is something of a superior state of consciousness. I worry sometimes that things have closed off for me emotionally and literally which I wish I had taken the occasion to exploit.
I may revisit tomorrow, but my goals for 2024 are-
Have enough income from freelance work in film and video production that I don’t have to work at the Wythe if I don’t want to.
Publish in two literary magazines and participate in a reading.
Build enough muscle to weigh 165 pounds or more.
Get three tattoos.
Release my Woyzeck film and be at least substantially underway on another project that I am at a leadership position on (directing/producing/writing etc)
In general I want to continue forming myself into a filmmaker. I would really like to be able to stand up straight and tell people authentically that I am a filmmaker. I want to have more direction in what I’m doing. I think a part of that is turning away from rewards in the present and begin creating what I wish to see. This generally has been something I’ve known and worked towards for a while, but it continues to sting me. I’m caught up in comparing myself to others and working in the short term. It feels like when I was using more than when I’m sober sometimes, and so I know its a malformed thought process. We all know what its like to be jealous on instagram, this is essentially what I’m talking about. I think I could accomplish things I’m proud of, but the time scale is long. I’m playing a show opening for James Ferraro, a musician I respect. This should make me feel prouder and more excited than it is, and I think its because I’ve realized I really want this film thing, and any other action that doesn’t move me towards that feels superfluous. Maybe I’m just adjusted to being a part of a creative community, and these opportunities don’t feel as precious as before.
I’m giving these up to God, as he sees fit. I would also like to deepen my spiritual connection, and see God’s immanent face again, which I haven’t been perceiving as readily every day. I would like to pray every day, and focus on my prayer at least as much as my meditation practice, which I will continue. I was going to say I should start cooking again, but my I Ching said eating outside the home brings fortune, so I’m not worried about that one. Maybe I should eat at more restaurants, and order in less. Thats a wise change either way. As I said I’ll revisit these tomorrow and see if theres anything else smart I should say about the new year.
I also should have probably reflected more on the past year, but I have to get back to doing my job. I will try to do that tomorrow- but its so hard to articulate everything about a year come and gone.