Feb 7 24
I’m making real headway on this Lenz thing, but increasingly I’m accepting that this is just a workout for my screenwriting muscles. It’s totally unfilmable at any budget I will have access to. Trying not to be blackpilled on my prospects for future projects. Someone had floated me this idea for a music video for this guy Dull, but when I reached out to them they basically told me theres a dimes square civil war going on. So stupid. I know sort of what happened because I saw on Dull’s album release party that Bronze Age Shawty (I cringe at having to write this name) was ‘hosting.’ I literally think I already wrote about this on the diary but bear with me. Anyway I know who that is because I blocked her when she had like 300 followers for being insane and annoying and following me. I dont understand why anyone would do differently on encountering her but I guess shes made a little name for herself on twitter dot com by being antagonistic and doing edgelord right wing stuff online. Its all so embarrassing. I mean I could reach out to this Dull guy myself and broach the idea of a music video but the whole thing makes me not want to be any closer to anyone at all even tangentially connected to Downtown New York. I feel grossed out all the time now and it sucks. I don’t like what it says about me that I’m close at all to this stuff. Sometimes I’ll hear gossip about the red scare girls and it makes me want to end my life. I just don’t like it! I don’t want it as a part of my life! Everyone knows what I’m talking about. “Dimes square” etc. I mean I guess I tried to be included in a reading at sovereign house and was rejected so I’m even worse than someone who was involved. I don’t like feeling like a parasite on something that I feel repulsed by. I hope whatever circuitous path I decide to take in the future I don’t feel like I’m being squeezed on all sides by some kind of oozing nihilistic narcissism the way I do now.
I’m thinking about the project to do after I finish this Lenz script. Once I have a first draft I want to leave it for a while. I feel like I need to do this one short story I have kicking around in my mind so I can submit to some stuff again, and i have two different music projects to work on. After those are more underway I have two things I might look into in terms of writing scripts- one is sort of inspired by my work at the hotel, and I have a friend there who wants to work on stuff, so I might link up with him. Hope he doesnt suck at writing. The other thing is I sort of want to continue this thing I’ve started now that I’m thinking about german theater and romanticism. I have a copy of Lenz’s plays and he has one that I think resonates today. I’ll read it and ensure that I can find a way to adapt/ steal the contours of, and then hopefully write that. The rest of the day I’m helping come up with this murder mystery party for my friend’s birthday with these two guys, and then were gonna go see our mutual friend’s performance. The only other thing in my life is that I am having trouble running. I am trying to resume running as a means to keep my cardiovascular conditioning up and also to make myself less liable to have suicidal thoughts. It feels like a necessary supplement to my currently rigorous strength training regimint. Unfortunately, as of now, even resuming running at a much slower pace and for less distance, I am developing horrible pain in my ankles after less than a mile. I am told it could be about my footstrike. I tried to bounce on the front of my foot more, but it wasn’t quite enough. Googling leads to the problem of being exposed to strange and unlikely diagnoses, and I don’t really know what to do next. One thing at a time, presumably