Feb 9-13 24
Biggest break so far. I migrated my domain to a different registrar for whatever reason and I messed up the DNS record stuff. Doesn’t matter, it was a boring technical mistake thats now fixed. It occurred exactly the day I decided that as part of a suite of personal changes I will be utilizing the mass email feature and trying generally to get more readers of the diary. I suppose a part of my process will also be more directed in terms of what I’m writing- but that remains to be seen. I think actually a lot happened in my brain the last 4 days but its all gone. I was at work a lot and became very depressed. Now I have a cold an am still depressed. I’m unclear on what I’m doing in life, I don’t see anything good happening to me in the near future, and feel very insecure. This feeling usually doesn’t last too long, and I woke up today with enough energy to push through it, I think.
I guess the most notable event that happened during the downtime was the superbowl. I watched it at my friend’s house who is newly sober. He seems depressed. At least he tells me so. I think everyone I know is in a downturn. This may be related to the darkness and coldness of February. Never fun to admit how seasonal our emotions are, but its an unavoidable fact. I’ve been thinking about hard drugs more than usual recently, something to watch. I’ve also been going to several 12 step meetings, including a new program which I refuse to get into on here at this time.
I havent written for a little bit because I was busy and then inconsolably depressed, I’m hoping today to finish the Lenz script. I’ve all but given up on creating it as a film right now. Too long and complicated and expensive. I’d like to immediately start writing another script that I could actually make. I think I have an idea I can work on w my coworker. I think the only way out of me being a loser is to make something. I have two shows coming up but they feel incredibly unsatisfying to me for reasons I can’t explain. I really want to make film and since I’ve set that as a goal nothing will compensate for it. I have silly goals but they must be met.
I’m concerned this isn’t a very good entry to instantiate my new phase of sending emails but they’ll get good again when I’m less self conscious an also less depressed.